Walking with the Divorced and Separated

By Jennifer Miraval

Pastor at St. John Neumann Catholic Church in Yuma, AZ, Fr. George Holley is opening up a program catered to the divorced and separated. It's called the Rose Sweet program. This program is aimed at walking with people who are divorced, seperated, or who are going through the anullment process. The program emphasizes the importance of healing after a divorce.

Fr. Holley was married before entering the priesthood and says he recognizes the importance of meeting people where they're at especially in divorce:

How important is it to minister to those who are divorced/separated?
There are a great number of Catholics who feel the need to grow closer in relationship with God but who also feel alienated from the Church.  Many have this impression because of misunderstanding of Church teachings or other miscommunications.
People who are suffering often feel like they are all alone, that no others are in the situation they are in.  When they meet others they find support and the sense that someone else understands the pain and frustration they are enduring.
One can see why there is a great need to minister to this large and important group of Catholics. 

Since offering the Rose Sweet program at your parish, what difference has it made to those who attend?
I can only speak with limited experience because I was only able to participate in one program.  What I saw was a coming together because of a common experience and sharing the pain, and sometimes the anger of divorce and separation. Not to be flippant but to paraphrase an old saying, misery loves sharing the pain with others.

Can you describe the Rose Sweet program?
What I like about this program is that it is real.  Real people share their experience and others discover that there is a lot in common.  They don’t sugar coat the experience of divorce and separation but are honest about the damage to one’s self-image and the loss of happiness it causes.

What are some of the misconceptions that you’ve come across while ministering to this population (divorced/separated), and what is usually your response?
One of the most common is that divorce alone, that is with no remarriage prevents one from receiving the Eucharist.  This is not correct someone is divorced but not remarried is welcome to receive communion.  In fact, they are welcome to participate fully in the life of the Church.  A second is the idea that there is no hope for returning to active participation in the Church.  There is the possibility of an annulment.  There are many misconceptions about the annulment process, but they should explore the possibility.

Some believe that the church will judge someone who is divorced. What is your response to this? 
People may judge them, that is individuals and even clergy but that is an individual who is not following Christ’s many warnings against judging others i.e., Judge not lest you be judged.

For those who are struggling with their separation, what are some words of encouragement you could give them?
The best advice I can give is to pray and turn it over to God.  This is difficult because we are trained in our culture that with hard work, we can accomplish anything on our own. We must trust that however things work out God is with us and will get us through it.

Can you please share with us your personal experience with divorce?
I was decerning a call the permanent diaconate and my wife came to me after one of the meetings that she didn’t attend and told me she didn’t want to be married.  She moved out that night and after a number of months filed for a divorce.
 
Can you describe how difficult and painful it is undergoing a separation?
I knew that our relationship was not as close as it had been in the past but Kim’s saying she didn’t want to be married to me was unexpected and a shock.  It was very painful and was exacerbated because we worked together as partners in our business.  One thing I learned was to never judge another whose marriage is failing or has failed and to admire long term marriages for what they have accomplished.

Since you have gone through this, what is the best way to support someone who’s had a divorce?
Listen to their stories and let them vent their anger and pain.  Encourage them that conditions will get better, especially by turning it over to God.